#60. Leaving England, Hello Malaysia

Backdated... I don't know. Let me check my time zone.

Today/Tomorrow/Yesterday I hopped on a plane, said goodbye to England, and flew to Malaysia. The time zones are all messed up, so bear with me here.

There weren't too many new things to experience on the flight, since I've taken this exact route numerous times in the past when visiting family. The difference this time was that my girlfriend was with me, and that I had the assistance of alcohol to make sleeping a lot easier.

Ever been stuck on a plane for 12 hours? You end up watching the same movies over and over again. For someone like me, who craves new experiences, being stuck in the same spot for an entire waking day is paramount to torture.

Actually, it wasn't all that bad. I'm of legal drinking age now, so for the first time, I was able to drink on the plane. Nothing fancy, just a few beers. I mean, they don't really have Pasion Azteca on board or anything. Not that I would be able to afford it if they did.

[At $3.5 million, the butler better be included]

#59. Stonehenge

Backdated Monday, May 24.

Today, I got to see one of the Wonders of the World, the big collection of rocks known as Stonehenge.

[Two seconds later, it got up and ran away.]

Did you know that these rocks weigh over 5 tons each? And that they're originally from the seashore over 15 km away? And that over half of each stone is actually underground? And that together, they form an advanced solar calendar? Neither did I until today.

[Did you also know the Druids were a bunch of dirty old men?]

As an engineering student, I was struck by the technical difficulties of constructing something so complex with only stone-age tools like ropes and pulleys. Can you imagine lifting a five ton rock with nothing but rope made from plants and scaffolding made from wood? Ridiculous. Then again, theory has it that aliens made it. Weirdly enough, that sounds more logical when you're standing in front of a giant stone calendar in the middle of an empty field.

#58. Carmen!

Backdated Sunday, May 23th.

I have to make an apology here for delaying so long in my posting. My laptop was in repairs for an extended period, and unfortunately, the temporary one I was using didn't have the required plug-ins needed to use Blogger. However, I'm back from my trip now, so expect many updates.

Today, I went to see Carmen at the O2. The O2 is an enormous stadium located in London's East End, where they hold concerts and performances. I went with my aunt and uncle, as well as the wonderful girlfriend, to attend a viewing of Carmen, which is an opera.

I had never been to an opera before, so it was a new experience. Unfortunately, it wasn't one I really enjoyed. The singers were amazing, but were so 'operatic' that I couldn't understand a word they were saying, so the story was completely lost on me. By operatic, I mean that they were telling a story through very high-pitched, glass-shattering sopranos, and at other times, low and rumbling basses.

[Risque, too]

However, the props and stage were very cool. The opera was performed on a round center stage with the audience at an entire 360 viewing angle. There was a scene where the citizens celebrate a carnival, which included unicyclists and firebreathers.

Overall, it's not an experience I would pay for again, but at least I can now pretend I have some semblance of culture.

#57. Hampton Court Palace

Backdated Saturday, May 22.

Today, I went to Hampton Court Palace. It used to belong to King Henry VIII. You know, the guy who had a fetish for severed heads?

[He had like, 6 wives!]

Fortunately, the palace didn't harbour any evidence of his weird habits, but there was a really weird toilet located in the middle of the hallway.

[Nice plush seat. Why is there a lock?]

I went with my cousin and his wife, and my lovely lady, on an audio tour that took us over four hours to complete, including a picnic break we took within the palace gardens. There was a lot of information about England's history, with a special focus on Henry's relationships, including the two wives he had beheaded (what a nice guy) and the founding of the Church of England (because the Pope wouldn't let him get divorced). Consider it my English history lesson.

There were a lot of weird frescoes on the walls, and a lot of oddly shaped vases and pots in the bedrooms. There was even a bad-ass falconer to scare away the pigeons.

[Nice place to live, if you don't mind the history.]

#56. One Year Anniversary

Backdated Friday, May 21.

Today, my girlfriend and I celebrated our one year anniversary since we started dating.

[We jump around on a day-to-day basis.]

Though I've had long-term relationships in the past, none of them have ever passed the one-year mark. I take it as a good sign that my wonderful counterpart can at least bear with my numerous failings and still love me despite my quirks.

We celebrated by taking a trip on the London Eye. For those of you not familiar with good old England, the Eye is an enormous Ferris wheel on the banks of the River Thames. It used to be the biggest in the world until China kicked its ass.

[Still a great view. And the city is nice too.]

I've learned so much from my relationship that I can't possibly post all of it here, but I can sum it up to say that I've discovered so much about love and women, and also, a lot about myself. Not all of it is good, but there's far more good than bad.

#55. Sister Act

I will never understand women, and I don’t even attempt the fruitless task of trying to, but if there’s one thing that baffles more than the rest, it’s the phenomenon of shopping.

I enjoy buying myself new things. At a stretch, I’ll even say it’s sometimes enjoyable to buy things for others. But the rabid ferocity in which the female gender attacks the queues and racks of the department store is nearly horrifying in its regard.

I had the misfortune and lack of foresight to appear busy on the day my wonderful girlfriend, bless her, insisted that we had waited and delayed long enough and that our English shopping experience was far overdue. Reluctantly, I agreed, since I too had to buy a few souvenirs for my friends back home. Unfortunately, she decided to go to the biggest and most expensive department store in England, and dare I say, the world: Harrod’s, home to dreams made reality, and then cruelly crushed beneath the heavy boot of luxury.

How can I describe such a place to you? It’s simultaneously a place of wonder and disgust. The decor is impeccable, the lighting golden, the presentation downright stunning. Multiple lifts (elevators) carry you through floors upon floors of products that seem thoughtfully placed to obstruct you every where you wish to walk, practically jumping out from behind corners and from the inside of display cases to catch your eye and scream, “Buy me!” It’s altogether a nearly magical place.

On the other hand, the place could not be more frustrating. Navigation aside, each product is also designed to thwart their own purchase at the last moment. You may come across a beautiful gown, one so well-made you could swear it was woven by faeries out of morning dew. You may be so enchanted by this dress you immediately lay hands on it as if it may disappear at any moment. Then you might check the price tag, expecting a vast sum, a queen’s ransom that might buy the whole of England if the queen was not safely sitting on her throne in Buckingham Palace. Then reality strikes as you discover the dress costs twice as much.

I am not rich, and neither is my girlfriend, and so, we spent most of our time browsing, and not buying. Only twice did we make a purchase, the first to buy some pistachio Turkish Delight, and the second, some Macaroons.

The rest of our day was still quite eventful. We attended a musical, by the name of Sister Act, in London’s Palladium Theatre. This comedy, based on a film by Whoopie Goldberg, was as delightful as the original, with the additional of a live-cast and many scenes accentuated by the random bursting into of song. Altogether immensely entertaining, as the storyline was good and the acting was devoid of slip-ups.

To recap: Visited Harrod’s of London, and watched Sister Act in the Palladium theatre.

#54. Mickey Mouse

Today, we continued our tour by visiting Big Ben’s clock tower. If you have the Twitters, I strongly advise you to add BigBenClock to your list of contacts. We also walked down the Thames, seeing along the way various buildings and attractions, including Parliament, The London Eye, Tate Modern, The Globe, and a terrifying Mickey Mouse with tiny, beady eyes.

[BONG BONG BONG]

Recap: Walked from Westminster to London Bridge, saw a creepy-ass Disney knockoff.

[Terrifying.]

#53. Cockatrice

Today was our first day in Jolly Old England. I’m unsure as to why they call it that, as most of the people we’ve walked by on the street are quite young, and seem actually quite hostile, but that may be because I was sitting down in the middle of the sidewalk with my girlfriend frantically tugging on my sleeve and hissing violently at me.

We started our day in Piccadilly Circus where we viewed the statue of Eros (Erotic love, teehee), walked over to Leicester Square Gardens (pronounced ‘lay-chester’), had mini-pies at The Cambridge, visited Trafalgar Square and Nelson’s column, and then were suddenly interrupted by the appearance of sword-wielding horsemen at the street crossing. We continued on to St. James’ Park, and finally Buckingham Palace.

But the most bizarre moment of the day came when we arrived back at my cousin’s home. Some chef on TV taxidermied a pig and a goose together to make a cockatrice, a mythical animal that had the head of a chicken and a snake’s tail. I don’t know where this chef got his information from.

Recap: Toured London with a chick I dig, watched the unfortunate construction of a Cockatrice.

#52. England sans Family

Today, I hopped on an airplane and flew to England for the first time without my family. Then, I didn’t know when to update my blog because of the time change. Then, I realized I was jetlagged and promptly passed out.

#51. Vietnam Vet

Before leaving for my trip, I visited my aging grandma in her nursing home. Despite her location and the company of the screaming elderly, she seems quite at ease and prone to random outbursts of song, although I’m never sure whether that’s a sign of well-being or just a general unawareness of her surroundings.

While visiting, I was approached by a man I’ve seen before, who, with his colourful hair, looks out of place amongst all the older gentlemen. However, he’s bound to a wheelchair because of a terrible accident in which his head was split open. I know as much because he pretty much told me.

He’s actually quite a clever man despite his injury, and often poses riddles to me, but I’ve never really had a conversation with him. I don’t know why today was different, but we started making casual chitchat, and before long, I was drawn into his stories of being in the Vietnam War, on the side of the communists.

I won’t relate our conversation here, but in general, it was interesting to see the view the ‘other side’ had of the American army at the time. In short, his opinion was that Vietnam is being repeated in the current Iraqi conflict, and that ‘the winner writes the history books.’ I suppose that’s a fair view coming from someone who fought against the U.S. more than two decades ago.

#50. Travel Insurance

In planning for our trip, I had to go buy some Travel Insurance, lest I be horribly maimed or attacked by some sort of marsupial. Sorry for the short post, but it wasn’t really that exciting. I could elaborate and make something up, but I’m too lazy to entertain you today.

#49. 120+

For the past few weeks, I’ve been attempting to bowl at least every Monday. No, I’m not trying to bring back the 60s.

Today, I bowled over 120. I’m pretty sure I’ve bowled 120 at least once before, probably when I was a kid, but ever since I started bowling in university, I’ve first aimed to score over 100, and today was the first time I managed to do so. Next on the list is 200. Don’t wait up for that.

#48. Flight Booking

I’m going on a trip.

No, really. I’m flying off to England, and Malaysia, nearly for the entire summer. While my low self-esteem permits me from assuming anyone has the slightest interest in stalking me, my paranoia is not as easily convinced, and so, to any potential stalkers I may have, I am sorry but I’ll be away for quite a while. If you’d like to buy a ticket and follow me, that’s okay. Just mark down, “Other: Stalking subject of mentally unsound affections” when asked of your reasons for travel.

So today I booked a flight for the first time in my life. Previous trips, I relied mainly on my mother to fix the details for me, since she has a better head for finances than I do, and I didn’t know whether a $2000 ticket to the house down the street was a good price or not. Fortunately, my Asian bargaining instincts have finally matured, leaving me reasonably capable of planning my own flight itinerary.

#47. Super Mario Galaxy

When I was a child, I spent days playing Super Mario 64, a nightmare of a video game that swallowed up many potential hours outside, turning my skin into the pasty, clammy whiteness of a Caucasian man – I mean, a fish.

Unfortunately, I recently found a game to rival my former addiction to Super Mario 64 – and of course, it’s the spiritual sequel and one of the newest titles in the series, Super Mario Galaxy.

I spent the past week beating it, and today I finally did so. I don’t think I need to review it, because this is not a review blog, and also because the rabid addiction I display when playing a game I really like is should be enough of a review for you.

#46. G

I obtained my G today. Not the risqué underwear, but the driving license. I am now able to drink a bit before taking to the road.

#45. Punch Out

One of my friends recently graduated and has bought a condominium near the university. Why he would deign to live so close to the place where I presume so many of his hopes and dreams were crushed, I don’t know. However, another friend and I visited, and while the location could be improved upon, the apartment itself is bright and well-furnished – a far cry from the shady student house he lived in before. It’s an interesting display and example of how the student mentality is near-forcefully removed upon graduation. There are no wrappers on the floor, no collection of beer cans, no stolen road pylons and whatnot you usually find in student houses.

We spent a bit of time playing Punch Out for the Nintendo Wii before bidding him goodbye. It was the first time I’ve played and I’m glad to say I’m terrible at it. Boxing is silly, and video game boxing is twice as bad.

#44. Arkham Asylum

Mankind has always been intrigued by the night. Darkness is the inspiration for many a poet’s opus, and has simultaneously terrified and exhilarated men for generations.

Meanwhile, bats are one of mankind’s fears. Creatures of the night, they bring frantically flapping horror into the hearts of men the world over. Vampires, ghosts, spirits – all these have attributed to the bat, which in reality, is really no more than a winged rodent.

And, although seemingly unrelated unless you read the entry title, video games have entertained men for... about one or two generations, and aren’t really that scary unless you’ve been playing Silent Hill in the dark.

Fortunately, all three come together in the epic game, Batman: Arkham Asylum. Which I started playing today.

#43. Metalworking

In keeping with the past few days of warfare and making-things, I spent today making a large knife out of galvanised steel. It seems unlikely I’ll ever find a use for this knife, as I don’t plan to go to war, and I’m not nearly badass enough to stab somebody. Chances are, it will sit in my room as another odd decoration, or I may use it to spread butter on toast.

Just a quick explanation of the process: I purchased a large, 4 foot plate of steel from a hardware store, and then left it in my yard for a few months while I spent time forgetting about it. I eventually hacked off a foot-long piece from it, then cut that in half as I realized 12 inches is a bit ridiculous for a pocketknife. Using a rotary saw, I cut the blade slope out of the steel, and then used a grinder to shape the edge. Finally, I cut a few notches to make a handle, which I plan to wrap in something suitable, like cloth, tape, or liquorice.

#42. Spray-Dye T-Shirt

I bought a white shirt a few months ago. It was a cheap thing from Winners. For those of you that don’t know, Winners is a small department store that sells the things you’d find in an Italian household where all the furniture is covered in plastic.

I also went to Michael’s and picked up a bottle of spray-on black fabric dye. For those of you that don’t know, Michael’s is a small art store that sells the things you’d find in the cluttered house of a graduate visual arts student who is trying to make a living by knitting plastic flowers. If you’ve ever tried knitting plastic flowers, you know how aimless this is, and if you find that you really are knitting plastic flowers, you should probably redefine one of your search terms.

Anyways, I made a T-shirt. It was a very simple process, but one that I’ve not used before. You merely spray the dye over a stencil you’ve placed on the shirt, being careful to place a piece of cardboard/plastic/carbon nanofibre inside to prevent the design from leaking through. It’s much easier than bleaching your design into a black shirt, but also takes much longer to dry – about 3 days.

I need to point out that wearing your own designs makes you appear self-confident and artistic – but only if your designs are good. Otherwise, you may spend your time in an imaginary air of sophistication while you parade around with nothing but a bald wombat on your chest.

#41. Cod Liver Oil

I started taking Cod Liver Oil today, at the insistence of my mother. Not much to report here, expect that it tastes like

#40. Risk

Warfare has almost always been the domination of men. Women in the military were few and spread, until the years after WW2, where they proved just as capable and possibly even better fighters than men. Nowadays, women are found on the frontlines, much to the mild bewilderment of the men, who seem confused to find themselves next to a female and may try to pick her up.

Despite that, I have discovered that, at least in my own personal experience, the war-room is still the domination of men, when I played Risk with my female counterpart. It was an interesting experience, punctuated by my lady’s random complaints and her enthusiastic encouragements to her plastic soldiers, accentuated by her appetite for destruction and pillaging of my territories. That sounds like some sex thing. I apologize (not really).

#39. Rock Climbing

Ah, the great outdoors. With towering redwoods, the smell of pine in the air, the fresh breeze in your face, the hint of ice cold rivers on your tongue and the rush of the wind in your ears. Man has always been at home in nature, and what more manly thing is there than to haul yourself up the face of precarious cliffs with naught but your hands and legs and own prodigious skill?

Unfortunately, we were indoors, strapped into harnesses, slowly and painfully clambering up a ladder-like protrusion of artificial rocks, each painted in some garish color by a blind factory worker in China. And you know what? It was still immensely enjoyable, and one of the best experiences on the blog so far.

I recommend rock climbing to anyone with at least two limbs and a head. You really need nothing more, although you might require sufficient body strength to lift your own weight.

#38. Herbal Remedies

I spent today reading a book about Chinese herbal remedies. I was looking for something new to do, and I noticed it sitting on my mother’s cook book shelf. I nabbed it down and started reading. More like an index than anything else, it lists various herbs and the effects they have on the human body. Certain mixtures are good for differing parts of the body, such as the clearing of the respiratory system, or aid in digestion. Most of the information can be more easily found online, but this book was written before Al Gore discovered the internet, so I suppose it comes in quite handy if the power goes out, or if you live in a ditch without DSL.

#37. Cosmetology

Backdated Sunday.

So I got home - my parental home, actually - and I happened to mention my activity over the past few days. Big mistake.

"You helped your friend move in, and you cleaned your storage room? Why don't you ever help out the same around here? Don't you love your mother, who had to endure the stinging pain of childbirth in order to bring you into this world?"

Okay, I may have made the last part up, but it doesn't change the fact that I was guilt-tripped so hard into spending an entire day in the basement, going through old clothing and ancient toys, trying to sort out a guest room that had become an ad-hoc storage facility.

It had never really been sorted out before. There was a lot of old stuff that I used to play with. I'll admit I spent a few hours playing with a Playmobil train set, but my mom thought I was still cleaning, so it's okay.

Anyways, the particularly new thing was finding a project folder my sister did in grade 11, in her cosmetology class. For those of you not familiar with the world of women, that's makeup and hairstyling. When I first heard a few years ago that she was taking cosmetology, I went on a little trip on how it was so cool she was taking cosmology and learning about outer space, before I realized my mistake, and that she was not nearly that cool.

Did you know Sarah Jessica Parker's face is considered 'oblong' and not 'equine'? I'm sorry, that was unfair. At least her head isn't 'Inverted Triangle'. That just sounds silly. At least now I'm slightly more cultured, and run less of a chance of getting slapped for calling a women's head 'box-like'.

#36. Fancy Pantry

Backdated Saturday.

We have a storage room under the basement stairs in our student house. It looks sort of like this:

[Instead of bricks, imagine television sets.]

After talking it over with a few of my housemates, we decided to use that area for a pantry. You know, non-perishable foods, dry cereal, dead bodies, etc. The problem was, there was so much clutter under there that there wasn't any room to walk in, let alone put up some shelves.

Most of the stuff was moved in when we all moved in - the 'I don't really need this, but I might in the future' kind of junk you usually toss in your garage. Unfortunately, it all just ended up in that tiny, stuffy storage area - and I'm pretty sure it bred. Scientific American, you may want to look into this.

Anyways, I pretty much single-handedly powered through that entire room and cleared out everything, then threw up some shelves, some nice wallpaper, drapes, table lamps, ceramic tea sets, etc. The other housemates were supposedly 'busy'. Pft. Probably another funeral or something.