#12. Vespers

Uhm, it's my girlfriend's 23rd birthday today. Does that count as a new thing for me? I mean, I have to put up with her.

I also made Vespers with Jon. Ever watch the James Bond movies Casino Royale, or Quantum of Solace? Bond creates a martini called a Vesper - and if you watch Quantum carefully, he actually lists the ingredients. We rewound the DVD a couple of times to make sure we got it right, and even then, I'm not sure at all we did, because -wow - this drink is toxic.

If I recall correctly, it's 1 part gin, 1 part vodka, and 1 part Kina Lillet. Oh wait, there we are (thanks Wikipedia!):

 "A dry martini," [Bond] said. "One. In a deep champagne goblet."

"Oui, monsieur."

"Just a moment. Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it's ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. Got it?"

"Certainly, monsieur." The barman seemed pleased with the idea.

"Gosh, that's certainly a drink," said Leiter.

Bond laughed. "When I'm...er...concentrating," he explained, "I never have more than one drink before dinner. But I do like that one to be large and very strong and very cold and very well-made. I hate small portions of anything, particularly when they taste bad. This drink's my own invention. I'm going to patent it when I can think of a good name."

I can vouch for Bond - this drink is a disaster. I held a mouthful for two seconds and I'm almost positive I could feel the tingle of my tastebuds frying. We've made them before, once, but this time we actually used a proper shaker, so I suppose the experience was slightly more authentic.

#11. League of Legends

It's been a quiet day for me, and the only real thing of note is that I've started playing League of Legends, which is an online video game similar to DotA. For those of you non-gamers out there, it's an interesting multiplayer game where you control a hero with special abilities, and you attack other players in an arena-like map. Yeah, I don't understand it either, which may explain why I keep getting killed every ten seconds.

Idiotically, my exams are coming up, so I'm planning to fail them harder than a teenage girl and a pregnancy test.

#10. American Sign Language

Today, I learned a few phrases in American Sign Language (ASL). It was doubly tough because I'm terrible with languages, and also terrible with my hands (ask my girlfriend). I don't know any deaf people, and if I did, I'm sure they wouldn't want to converse with me anyways. I also have a phobia of being laughed at by the deaf, because they have to spell out their laughing for me. Seriously:

[This is how you say ha ha in ASL. Also, how to crush a man's soul.]

I also learned how to say "I can speak sign language," "I hate you," "I love you," "Where is the bathroom," "I am hungry," "The weather is good," and this:

 [Can. We. Have. Sex]

[...Please?]

#9. Wing Chun Strikes

April 3rd postdated.

Yesterday, not much happened, but I did manage to watch "The Forbidden Kingdom" in mandarin Chinese. It's a pretty cool movie and I totally recommend it, especially if you're into watching a white guy get Mr. Miyagi'd by Jackie Chan and Jet Li (who also fight each other in the film, a scene that required me to get a new pair of pants after it was finished).

It would be pretty lame if my 'new thing' was 'I watched a movie in Chinese', so the real new thing came after the movie, where I went downstairs to my home gym on a martial arts high, and learned a wrist strike (used mainly in Wing Chun) and palm strike. I hurt my hands a bit trying to practice them, until I got the technique right and managed to get a few good hits in on my friend Mr. Punchingbag.

#8. Caribbean Dinner

Yesterday (April 2nd) my wonderful girlfriend invited me to Easter Dinner with her delightful family, so she could show me off like some freak in a circus. I love that gorgeous woman to death, but I'm convinced she just keeps me around for amusement, like a pet monkey. Or, you know, the awesome sex:

[Like this]

It was totally worth the familial embarrassment though (at least for me). I was treated to an awesome, full-deck dinner. There were plenty of foods I've never tried before, at least consciously, because I also suspect the woman has been feeding me in my sleep. It's the only explanation as to why I'm so darn fat. And why I wake up with a mouthful of broccoli.

Anyways, there were so many foods that I know I'm forgetting a few, but here's a short list: some cornmeal cake thing, cassava, plantains, taro, ginger crab, breaded shark, some green sauce made from taro leaves I think, soylent green is people, rice, and other delicacies you'd usually only see on TV, with big name stars like Rachael Ray or Gordon Ramsey. I actually stopped talking for a full half hour while inhaling all the food - a rare feat, since my mouth is usually as active as Lance Armstrong on the Tour de France. I'm pretty sure that for a moment, I briefly lost my mind, because when I came to, my mouth was stuffed with bread and I am almost positive there was no bread at the table.

Dessert was doubly ridiculous. I'm starting to feel like Hansel since my girlfriend is force-feeding me snacks to plump me up. I don't know what her motives are, but I twitch every time she turns on the oven. I know she loves me, but whether she loves me for my charming personality, or whether or not I'd make a delightful roast, remains to be seen.

#7. Hypnotherapy

Sorry guys, another late update. This should be dated April 1st, but I ran into a horrible prank gone awry and ended up trapped in a time vortex for a few days. No, actually, my phone battery died, and I left my laptop at school, so I'm using my sister's laptop to run a few updates, but her settings are all silly.

A little background: I have an Android smartphone, which, while advertising me as a total nerd, also allows me to do really awesome things like browse the web, update my blog, and make calls. One of the best things about it is that I can download free apps from the Android Market. These are like miniature programs for my phone, and like miniature sausages, are even better than the full-sized ones. I was searching online for 'Best Apps' when I came across this 'Brain Therapy' program which promised to 'promote positive brain waves'. Short of giving me free candy or sex, this was the best app I'd come across, and I was curious, so I downloaded it. FOR FREE.

It claimed to use sound therapy to alter brainwave states. I'll admit I was skeptical, but I plugged my earphones in, turned it on, and -whoa. You ever get the feeling there's a tennis ball rattling around in your head? That's probably a sign of brain cancer. The slightly modulated waves of sound feel like you're at a really intense concert with a band that plays only in low bass tones (like every 'new age alternative' band that thinks they're edgy and hip because they have a cellist).

Surprisingly enough, I knocked out after 5 minutes of the pulsating white noise, which is pretty cool. There were other settings too - meditation, study therapy, murder all your friends, relaxation - and even more with the 'paid' version. I'm slightly suspicious that there's subliminal messaging within their 'therapeutic' signals. But I'm sure it's not kill everybody much of a problem.

#6. Book Signing

Yesterday, while we were sitting around watching TV, my friend Jon interrupted.

"Hey, Robert J. Sawyer is coming to our school tomorrow!"

Robert J. Sawyer is one of the most prolific Canadian Sci-Fi authors of our generation. He's also one of my favourite writers. I was a little excited, which is probably why I nearly spilled an entire can of pop on the floor (that word was very nearly 'poop').

Anyways, we went to see him today. He gave a really interesting lecture about the nature of technology and his vision of the future, and then read an excerpt from his latest book. The best part came at the end, where I purchased and got him to sign three books.

"Howdy, who do I make these out to?" he said with a big smile.

"Justin," I replied. Jon and I asked him a couple of questions and made a few fanboy comments, "I love your work" and so on. Then he looked up with a frown on his face.

"Oh darn. I made this one out to Jon." He lifted the book so I could see Jon's name where mine should have been.

"Wait -" he exclaimed. He scribbled something, and then lifted the book again. It read, "For Jonathan's good friend, Justin."

"Nice save," I commented, laughing, "But in ten years, I'll be like, 'who the hell is this Jon guy?'"

Anyways, he was a really awesome guy, and I'm a huge fan, so it was an entirely enjoyable and interesting experience. Plus, I've never had a book signed by the author before, so that's my new thing for the day. Stay tuned!